Sunday, September 16, 2007

Phillies Under Investigation by MLB

According to league sources, the Philadelphia Phillies are under investigation for employing a Wizard against the New York Mets. The suspicion started just over two weeks ago after the Phillies completed their second of three season sweeps of the Mets.

Apparently, an unidentified elderly man with a long white beard, wearing a purple robe and pointy hat was spotted sitting in the Phillies dugout for the last eight games against the Mets.

The suspicion began in the second game of the infamous 4 game series two weeks ago when Aaron Rowand’s full-swing “bunt” hugged the foul line, and traveled a total distance of 20 feet, allowing the tying run to score. With the naked eye, it looked as if an invisible force was blowing the ball to stay fair. The Phillies won in extra innings on a Ryan Howard home run.

The next night, an even stranger occurrence happened when Marlon Anderson was called out to end the game for interfering with the shortstop while attempting to break up a double play. The tying run would have scored on the play, instead, the Mets lost. On replay, it looked as if an invisible force shoved Anderson in to Rollins.

In the final game of that series, all kinds of wild and crazy plays happened. But what league sources are focusing most on from that game is their belief that the Wizard cast one of his many spells on Willie Randolph when he brought in Billy Wagner in the 8th, thus attempting a 6 out save, something he had not done all season. Wagner blew the game, Mets swept.

Finally, without the Wizard sitting in the opposing dugout against the Mets for the next 12 games, they were free from any kind of spells or magic and went on a nice winning streak, stretching their lead in the NL East to 7 games.

Then came the Phillies for three games at Shea. And this, according to league sources, is where the Wizard really kicked it up notch.

In the first game, he evidently got Randolph again when he unleashed a mind-bending spell that somehow convinced the bewildered manager in to thinking that NOT bunting in the 8th inning with the fastest runners in the game on first and third with one out and arguably the league’s best bunter at the plate, was a wise decision to make. And after getting Paul LoDuca thrown out of the game, the Wizard promptly whipped up something for Mike Defelice, who dropped a foul pop, eventually setting up the game’s winning run.

In the second game, the Wizard zapped Gold Glover winner, Carlos Beltran not once, but twice forcing him to misjudge fly balls that led to three runs including the game clinching “triple” by Jimmy Rollins. Also in that same game, Jose Reyes got caught stealing third with two outs and David Wright up, a clear sign of the work of an evil Wizard.

In the final game, the Wizard unleashed an arsenal of mystical powers on the Mets, forcing them in to an unprecedented six errors, all of which were routine. Jose Reyes bobbled what appeared to be an inning ending ground ball, allowing not one run, but remarkably two runs to score because Jose, still under the spell, threw the ball away from Castillo when he tried to recover from the bobble; it was a catcher who scored from second. Clear proof the Wizard got him. Next up was Moises Alou, who dropped, what they call in baseball, a “can of corn” fly ball, allowing Rollins (the Wizard loves Jimmy) to go all the way to third, eventually scoring. Then, it was Castillo, a solid defensive second basemen, who caught the wrath of the Wizard when he muffed a tailor-made double play ball. 5 runs scored after that play, and the game was all but over. The Wizard had done his job.

Some reporters apparently asked if the Wizard was responsible for Randolph’s decision to bring in Mota with games still in reach. It was a question they admittedly could not prove because, according to a league official, ‘Randolph’s been dumb enough to do that all season.’ When asked whether the Wizard could have possibly cast his potent magic on the umpires as well, the league official – for fear of igniting another controversy in the sports world – said ‘no comment’, but was promptly caught on videotape muttering to himself as he walked away; ‘You saw that called third strike on Marlon Anderson, what do you think?’

1 comment:

dave said...

Hilarious. How else could you explain that Charlie Manuel is still manager?