Schoenweis Has Value

In an attempt to increase the number of home runs hit at the annual Home Run Derby contest, Major League Baseball has asked Scott Schoenweis to serve up his entire repertoire of meaty pitches to the contestants. Citing his uncanny ability to give up runs every time he’s in the game, MLB feels Schoenweis is the perfect choice to throw the gopher ball. “We’ve just been really impressed by Schoenweis’ knack for giving up runs” said a league official, “and since this is an exhibition where fans want to see home runs, he is the best candidate for the job.”