Johan Santana: The Movie
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan
Daniel Sunjaya as Johan Santana
Billy Dee Williams as Willie Randolph
Tony Shalhoub as Omar Minaya
Sean Bean as the Evil Twins GM
and Tara Reid as Anna Benson
with Frank Caliendo as Hank Steinbrenner
ACT I: Major League Baseball's top pitcher, Johan Santana, decides he's through with pitching for a middle market team that is bent on driving the team back to mediocrity. Santana cries for salvation in the cold dark winter of Minnesota, while back in New York Mets GM, Omar Minaya, is awoken by the sound of a distant cry. He runs to his window thinking it's another angry mob of Mets fans wanting to lynch him for his lack of offseason moves following a collapse in September that sent Mets fans to asylums and nursing homes across the country, but instead he realizes it's a cry of hope and that Johan Santana might actually pitch in Queens.
ACT II: Minaya quickly calls Mets manager, Willie Randolph, to let him know that he will be completely depleting the minor leagues and his best young outfielder for the game's most dominant pitcher. Randolph replies, "These are my guys." Minaya tries to explain that if the Mets get Johan Santana, that Santana will become one of "his guys." Randolph reaches for the phone to try and bring in Guillermo Mota, but before he's able to make a call, Minaya pulls out his secret weapon, Anna Benson. Quickly Anna Benson threatens to ruin every Mets pitcher's career unless Randolph complies to Minaya's demands and swears off Guillermo Mota forever. Randolph submits.
ACT III: Minaya starts to make some offers to the evil Twins GM who demands Jose Reyes as a sacrifice on the trade wire altar. Minaya refuses. The evil Twins GM swears off Minaya and speed dials Hank Steinbrenner who refuses to answer his phone in the middle of his KFC wings. Minaya tries to hypnotize the Twins GM into taking Johnny Estrada, Rickey Henderson and Mike Pelfrey but to no avail. Omar desperately offers Gomez, FMart, Guerra, Mulvey & Humber, but as the offer hits the Twins GM's desk, Hank Steinbrenner enters the room with a final offer.
But before Steinbrenner can sign his agreement, Anna Benson surprises everyone with a manila envelope full of revealing pictures. No one knows what to think as they are just pictures of Ms. Benson as Mrs. Claus, when she pulls out another envelope full of pictures of Steinbrenner & Benson eating those tasty new crunchy KFC hot wings.
Steinbrenner leaves in a huff and the Mets give away the farm (literally) to sign the most dominant pitcher in baseball.
THE BEGINNING (it can't possibly be the end!)